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Badass

It came to my attention that some people were talking behind my back.  They said I was nice. Nice is boring!  I want to be badass.  Badass is interesting.  How do I go about making sure that I develop a badass reputation?

I want to be the person that can say “Fuck you” effortlessly, but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  What if I could say it in situations where it wouldn’t affect anyone?  Such as my senile grandma in her assisted living home.  She wouldn’t even know I said it.  My grandma’s doctor said that she can’t understand anything that we say, but what if the one thing she does understand is “Fuck you”? Or better yet, a “Fuck you!” to the dogs at the pound! The dog doesn’t know what “Fuck you” means, but come on, the dog is at the pound.  He’s already having a bad day.

I heard about this homeless guy that used to hang out in a Starbucks that would get up and do slow motion karate moves in the air.  He never hurt anyone, but there was always that chance.  He was totally badass.  I thought about doing roundhouse kicks in public, but I don’t want to get arrested for accidentally kicking anyone.

I asked a 9 year old kid how he would be badass.  He simply replied that to be badass is to be inappropriate without hurting anyone’s feelings.  That was the sage advice I was looking for.   So now we’re working on some epic fart jokes together.