It came to my attention that some people were talking behind my back. They said I was nice. Nice is boring! I want to be badass. Badass is interesting. How do I go about making sure that I develop a badass reputation?
I want to be the person that can say “Fuck you” effortlessly, but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. What if I could say it in situations where it wouldn’t affect anyone? Such as my senile grandma in her assisted living home. She wouldn’t even know I said it. My grandma’s doctor said that she can’t understand anything that we say, but what if the one thing she does understand is “Fuck you”? Or better yet, a “Fuck you!” to the dogs at the pound! The dog doesn’t know what “Fuck you” means, but come on, the dog is at the pound. He’s already having a bad day.
I heard about this homeless guy that used to hang out in a Starbucks that would get up and do slow motion karate moves in the air. He never hurt anyone, but there was always that chance. He was totally badass. I thought about doing roundhouse kicks in public, but I don’t want to get arrested for accidentally kicking anyone.
I asked a 9 year old kid how he would be badass. He simply replied that to be badass is to be inappropriate without hurting anyone’s feelings. That was the sage advice I was looking for. So now we’re working on some epic fart jokes together.