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Frenzied Dancing

I had changed out of my jeans and into some yoga pants.   I did things around the house for about five minutes. Suddenly, I felt this thing that felt like a baby’s sticky hand underneath my yoga pants just above my knee. My quick intuition told me that if I tried to kill the mysterious thing in my pants that it could bite me back and kill me.

I pulled the pant leg away from my knee and shook the thing out.  I couldn’t see what it was because I was in a dim room.  I yelled, “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!” and then screamed.  It turned out to be a baby tarantula.

Since then my life has been filled with paranoia every day.  I constantly think that there is something crawling on me.  I can be fast asleep then suddenly jump out of bed because I thought I felt something in bed with me.  I can be outside and suddenly feel the need to take off my shirt because it feels like there is a spider crawling up my back.

Will I ever overcome my fear of the creepy crawlies?  Probably not.  The other day I found a mouse & her babies in my sock drawer & I came face to face with a snake outside my front door.

 

 

Badass

It came to my attention that some people were talking behind my back.  They said I was nice. Nice is boring!  I want to be badass.  Badass is interesting.  How do I go about making sure that I develop a badass reputation?

I want to be the person that can say “Fuck you” effortlessly, but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  What if I could say it in situations where it wouldn’t affect anyone?  Such as my senile grandma in her assisted living home.  She wouldn’t even know I said it.  My grandma’s doctor said that she can’t understand anything that we say, but what if the one thing she does understand is “Fuck you”? Or better yet, a “Fuck you!” to the dogs at the pound! The dog doesn’t know what “Fuck you” means, but come on, the dog is at the pound.  He’s already having a bad day.

I heard about this homeless guy that used to hang out in a Starbucks that would get up and do slow motion karate moves in the air.  He never hurt anyone, but there was always that chance.  He was totally badass.  I thought about doing roundhouse kicks in public, but I don’t want to get arrested for accidentally kicking anyone.

I asked a 9 year old kid how he would be badass.  He simply replied that to be badass is to be inappropriate without hurting anyone’s feelings.  That was the sage advice I was looking for.   So now we’re working on some epic fart jokes together.

Interview With A Vamp

Because my CD was posted on MSN listening station I got the attention of a sweet person who liked my music and wanted to help me promote it.  The writer is talented and has written for a top iconic television show.  On March 13th he posted an Interview called "Interview With A Vamp: Larkin McLean" on his website. A day later I got an e-mail from him saying that his wife made him take it down because the photo was too provacative.  The saddest part for me is the man was saddened that his wife didn't understand his dreams of being a succesful writer and helping people.  

Obviously nobody understands the dynamic of a couple.  However, I hate to see a couple putting each other in a prison of jealousy and dream squashing.  It's wrong.  I only wish the wife met me and found out that I am her sister and have no desire to steal a man that is in a serious relationship.

I want to thank the writer for trying to help me and I wish him the best of luck.  Without further ado, here is the interview:

 

Recently we caught up with California girl Larkin McLean to discuss her music, her taste in food and movies, and all sorts of other important topics. Her latest CD, and even more information about her, if you can imagine that, is available at her website, www.LARKINMCLEAN.com. Check it out. That’s an order!

Writer: First of all, thank you for getting me to sing “My Bottom’s Gonna Get Me To the Top”  at work. My coworkers are looking at me even funnier than usual now.

(LM): Excellent….I hope they ask about your back story as to why you are singing it.  I’m terrible!  The Comedy snobs are groaning.

Writer: Back story. .(Giggles.) OK, a few questions for you…First: Tom Jones, or Englebert?

(LM): Englebert when he was young and Tom Jones as an old man…oh,  you’re talking musically?  Tom Jones of course.  ”It’s Not Unusual” covered by Willie Bobo is fantastic.

Writer: Yes, Tom Jones! Fellow fan here; his old stuff and his new stuff is great. I’ve heard Willie Bobo on Luxuria Music – another great artist.

(LM): Well, I wouldn’t say I’m a Tom Jones fan.  I don’t go crazy for him or go out of my way to listen to him.”Pussycat Pussycat” is great.

Writer: It’s not unusual to hear that. When and where did you first realize that you were to be a chartreuse? Whoops, sorry, that’s actually a color. Chanteuse!  What made you decide to
become a saucy chanteuse?

(LM): I had dreams of being an entertainer all my life.  However it wasn’t until I was in my early 20′s when I was hanging out with old jazz/session players.  Men that played on my favorite recordings or played on the theme songs of TV shows I watched as a child.  It was with that pocket of people where I felt welcome.  Probably because I had a vast knowledge of jazz standards?

Writer: I think your listeners would agree, you made a great choice, and we are thankful that you felt welcome. While we are on the subject, do you like the color chartreuse?

(LM):  Yes, It is one of my favorite colors to wear.

Writer: It’s perfect for when you can’t decide between yellow and green, and just want to split the difference.

(LM): I never thought of it that way. Thanks for pointing that out.

Writer:  You are most welcome. Do you do any songwriting, and if so, how do you get into the writing mood?

(LM): Yes,  I start out the idea of the song and write as much as I can and then Kenny my co-writer either changes it in places or finishes it. The last 2 CD’s I wrote with Kenny. I don’t believe in motivation.  I believe that you must force yourself to write no matter how crazy and strange it is. It’s good to learn from bad writing as well.

Writer: That’s great advice for writers! I must say, you and Kenny crank out some compelling tunes and stories!

(LM): Thank you!

Writer:  Any songs based on personal anecdotes?

(LM): I think it’s best if the audience gets to know the songs and guesses which ones are personal anecdotes and which ones are complete lies.

Writer: (Nods knowingly, and winks conspiratorially.) Good thing I’m not chewing gum. Moving on… Ketchup on your eggs, or no?

(LM): No Ketchup!  Not even on fries.  That reminds me of when I was a little girl and my grandfather made me the last egg in the refrigerator and served it to me with Ketchup.  I had to hide my tears in another room because I was so hungry and there was nothing else to eat. Thank goodness my Aunt Filomena saved the day.

Writer: Well, I put ketchup on my ketchup, so agree to disagree with your totally wrong opinion. (Giggles.) We must hear more about Aunt Filomena.

(LM): She’s an ideal beauty. peaceful, cheerful, disciplined, sweet, sexy. Most men are attracted to her.

Writer: She sounds like quite the lady.  What music is in your player right now?

(LM): My tastes are vast. I listen to everything from Bebop, Beatles to Balinese etc.  Right now I’m loving artists that evoke a sexy party hearty image. I love Redfoo of LMFAO & Suzi Quatro.  Suzi Quatro makes me want to invent a time machine and go back to the 70′s to do anything she wants.  I think Redfoo is terribly sexy.

Writer: Me too! I mean, I like the Beatles and listen to various types of  music. I will give LMFAO a whirl based on your recommendation. Wasn’t Suzi Quatro Pinky Tuscadero’s little sis?

(LM): Yes, Leather Tuscadero was her character’s name.

Writer: I knew it! Vampire movies, or no?

(LM): I watch “True Blood”,  I have crushes on some of the actors.

Writer: Fangs for sharing. (Clears throat.)

(LM): (Laughing…) Oh you are so punny!  Those comedy snobs are going to put a hit on us.

Writer: You’re probably right. What is the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?

(LM): Depends on if my man is next to me or not.  Drinking herbal tea is the boring and truthful answer.

Writer: Ooh!  Do you have a servant bring you a cup, like in The Green Hornet? Never mind, what I really want to know is what herb is your favorite when it  comes to herbal tea?

(LM): (Still laughing..)  I like the idea of a man servant.  Some beautiful dumb guy that wears speedos and just runs errands and cleans house.  As far as herbal tea goes, I’m up for anything.

Writer: Would you settle for someone with just one of those attributes? (Clears throat.) Moving on.. Many artists are known for their peculiar requests for when they tour and make appearances. Do you have any unusual demands for when you are on the road, in the studio, or doing a show?

(LM): I’m not about being a diva at all.  If I’m annoyed I bite my tongue. I just want my musicians paid and happy.

Writer: I’m imagining you biting your tongue constantly throughout this interview… It’s refreshing to know that you aren’t a diva; there are certainly plenty of them. But enough about professional athletes.

(LM): Ha! (Sticking tongue out) You don’t see any bite marks do you?

Writer: No, I don’t see any! Where would you like to see yourself 10 years from now?

(LM): I wish I could tell you!  I’ll aim for what I desire, but I won’t say what it is because I don’t want to jinx anything.  Don’t you know the expression “Make plans and God laughs”?

Writer: I think Woody Allen said that. Oddly, he also laughs when you make plans. So, where can we watch for you to show up next?

(LM): Keep coming back to my website to find out!

Writer: Count on it! Thank you so much, Larkin, for being a good sport,  and keep up with the great tunes!

LM): It was my pleasure. Thank you very much.

 

The Questionaire

Rachel & Rebekah Rife are so sweet they make the Dalai Lama look like a jerk.  They are also identical twin synchronized swimmers, jewelry designers and aspiring TV hosts. They answered a questionnaire for their blog and now they are sending a questionnaire off to me. I will answer the following questionnaire in my blog and send a questionnaire off to America’s Coach Bill Poett.  Bill is the author of the book “ABCs of Peak Performers”.  You can buy his book on Amazon

Here are the links to the blogs of....

The Rife Twins: http://www.rifetwins.blogspot.com

Bill Poett: http://www.billpoett.com/blog

Without further ado…..

1. What have you always wanted to do?

When I was 18 and hanging out in Paris with some Cariocas on New Years Eve, we put some white flowers and coins in a handmade paper boat and set it to sail down the Seine river as an offering to the Brazilian goddess of the sea Yemaja.  Ever since then I have wanted to go down to Rio for New Years to see what it looks like when everybody sets boats out on the ocean for Yemaja.

2. Who is the single most influential person in your life?

My late singing teacher Laura Hart.  Many of her students would agree that if it was not for her they’d be a mess.  I miss her everyday.  I get comfort pretending to talk to her in my head.  She was a beautiful woman inside and out.  I hear she was great in bed too! (She would have laughed at that!)

3. What is your favorite restaurant and why is it so special?

Being friends or acquaintances with many Los Angeles chefs and restaurateurs I feel really horrible choosing just one.  Especially since I have had great dining experiences at many. Travis Lett of Gjelina has given me a tastegasm with many of his creations. Mike Garber of Mohawk Bend created a buffalo cauliflower that puts me in euphoria, Madeleine Bistro’s beet tartar, Planet Raw’s linguini alfredo.  La Vagilia di Natale…. Christmas Eve dinner at Providence.

4. If you are feeling artsy & ready to create, write, paint, what Pandora station do you listen to?

I paint to EVERYTHING! Missy Elliot, Manu Chao, Meade Lux lewis, The Dropkick Murphys, Stevie Nicks, Rodrigo & Gabriela, Paolo Conte, Fleetwood Foxes, Disco hits, Dave Brubeck, Blondie, Vicente Amigo, Madness, Basement Jaxx, Erroll Garner, Mose Allison, Harry Nilsson, Stevie Wonder, Tom Waits, Julie London….the list goes on and on, but a lot of the time I listen to “This American Life” radio archives….I’m loving Dana Gould’s podcast as well.

5. Do you believe in love at first sight?

What is love at first sight but sexual attraction? It’s not getting to know who that person is.  Is he or she of strong integrity?  Is he or she interesting?  Is he or she going to truly love you?  You don’t get that information with love at first sight.

6. What is your favorite animal?

A dog because most are happy and like to cuddle.

7. If you had 24 hours left to live & could bring one person- What do you both do?

This question brings up a lot of issues!  I couldn’t spend time with just one person.

8. Is a wild weekend Vegas trip with the girls all it is cracked up to be?

If someone has been to Vegas with me and it didn’t get crazy it is because my 90 year old wig wearing great Aunt Mary was hiding back in my hotel room.  I need old school Italian chaperones to keep me good while in Vegas.

9. Is all fair in love and war?

Not at all.  I think if a couple is intimate there should always be love, respect & kindness.

10. What have you learned in the last year that you could not have grasped before.

You must fight to get what you desire.  You should be your own cheerleader and make sure that you program your mind to be positive & to have faith every single day.  We beat ourselves up too much & create negative thoughts that shouldn't be there.  We have to fight the person within ourselves to stop doing that.

11. Frech Press or coffee maker?

Neither, caffeine is a delicious evil legalized speed.  I’ll only buy a cup if I’m desperately jetlagged and need to function…. I’ve had the perfect Italian 4 M’s for a perfect espresso….Macinazione, Miscela, Macchina & Mano....MMMM.... I crave coffee now.